Art » CONFUSION

Lost amidst all this confusion why is it that my mind gets all this abusing? What must I do to make erryting alright try to show love and end up in pain erry night. What is it that I keep doin wrong? Why must I be the one who keeps on losin when all along all I wanna do is share my love wit someone who will be true. So I keep on holdin on,prayin that for once in my life I will be able to know that happiness and not have it run away. Am I that much of a freak that I scare her away? What am I doing wrong to cause myself so much pain? Born a freak of nature that I am sure takes a certain kind of person to love. When will it come to me that it just aint true,cant nobody love me once they realize that Ima freak,who would I ask? All I want is to be loved in return,so much love I give out and in the end Im always finding myself curled up into a ball of pain,ready to die as I know that no matter what Ima always be a castaway,thrown off like a piece of trash that nobody will ever want. So here I sit alone again,cant cry because I have cried to much early in my life,tear ducts just dont wanna let me,instead they burn at the thought of putting out anymore tears,they cause me more pain because thats all I feel anymore.

So still I sit here alone,still confused at what is wrong with me,what is it about me that scares em away? Am I to clingy? To overbearing? What must I be doing wrong to always wind up like this? Always I pray for the answer to all these questions,yet no answer. God must hate me to,cant say that I blame him,Id hate me to for being brought into this world if I were him,why cant the angel of death just take me away? Am I cursed to spend an eternity here alone and full of pain n sorrow? Never do I feel sorry for myself,but instead always feeling empty and hollow,a shell of what a person should be,while my mother and sister did the best they could to try to raise a gentleman I think they did more harm then they did good,personally its like they set me up for a lifetime of failure and pain. To feel all the pain they wished on the men of their lives but why? What did I do to them to deserve this? They made me this way and yet they expect me to be ok all the time,to be fine with the fact that Im always alone and miserable. While I see siblings with their special and significant others smiling and happy,I sit here alone and full of sorrow. The object of their humor when I find someone that makes me smile,instantly I become an object of their ridicule,the point in which they abject their opinion as if I dont have the right to one like its a privalage that I am forbidden to have. When I try to stand up for myself Im told Im wrong for doing so and should never speak my mind.
What good is having an opinion or point of view if you are forbidden to share it? Why must I be forsaken like a prisoner while I have done nothing wrong? Dont they realize what it is doing to me? Dont they care that slowly they are taking what self esteem I have managed to grow or rebuild and are stripping it away? Do they realize by doing so they are only killing me more inside each time,and with every rejection and put down I feel myself die a lil more. What good is being a member of a family if you are only their point of disrespect and discouragement? Why must I be the one that is cursed to be the whipping boy of sorts? Havent I been through enough? But when is enough? Do they know or care? They try to say its all in fun and games but when I throw it back at them I am treated like a slave who stepped out of line to ask a question.
I guess I must decide when enough is enough,time to show that I do have the family steel spine and that Im not afraid to stand my ground.Whatever beatings I may incur I will wear with pride,for no more will I be stripped of my dignity.

awwww

y u so sad mija?

i sowwy

you know me this is how i really speak cause u know how i get tongue tied tryin to speak outloud