Break out the old cardboard fireplace and start hanging the stockings camaradas. I said stockings, not your toe jam crusty socks pestoso! Well it’s that time of the year again when Sancho Clause gets to have all the hinas sit on his lap and tell them just how naughty they’ve been all year. HOs, HOs, HOs, that’s what I’m screaming homeboy, sabes como te digo. Tamales, atole, ta Chencha’s ponche, eggnog with a little bit of Jack, or a whole lot of Jack if you’re my abuelita Tita. The familia gets together for another excuse to get all pedo, you know how we do it.
Do you vatos know where kissing under the mistletoe came from? Well, take a seat and pay attention for a quick minute chiquito because Sancho is about to lay it down like a low-low. It was back when the magnificent one was just a little chamaco. Me, my primo Chuy and little Maria were hanging in the alley back behind Mrs. Lee’s “Hurry Up and Buy” liquor store. My primo had a thing for little Maria, but you know Sanchito had that on lock already, tu sabes? My primo jacked his older brother for some mota, my older primo Chavita’s stash. We were trying to figure out how to roll a joint when Mrs. Lee came out the back door and said, “Wat you do wit dat Sanchito?” So with my ninja-quick reflexes I snatched up the mota from my primo, gave little Maria a kiss and took off like chupacabra. The next day I got at Mrs. Lee and ran it down to her that what she saw was actually just an ancient varrio tradition where whoever is holding that green plant gets to kiss whomever they want. She was so fascinated that she decided to market Sanchito’s kissing ritual and mass produce it in her brother’s sweatshop in Hong Kong. True story soca!
This month Sancho Clause is going to give you some Christmas gift ideas for your old man or vieja.
* The Lil’ Locsters collection by O.G. Abel Creations. When your man starts complaining that you never let him kick it with the fellas, break open a box and let him kick it.
* Metallic flake nail polish from Mrs. Lee’s “Hurry Up and Buy” liquor store. Now your ruca can color coordinate with your ranfla.
* A fuzzy dice and pine tree air freshener combo pack. Your pap chulo will be cruising in style and smelling good too!
* A couple cans of Aqua Net super hold hair spray for her and a container of Tres Flores hair grease for him. Some of you old pedoros know it as “cha-cha-net” and “hair bondo.”
* A wife beater, tube socks and boxers gift set are always a sure winner.
* A bottle of Old Spice cologne and a palm comb always make good stocking stuffers.
* Minas “Big and Tasty” flavored edible underwear, you can thank me later ese. I just want you to finally taste something fruity instead of last weeks salmon, ha, ha, ha!