Back once again it is I, the one and only Sancho, the lover of other’s wives and purveyor of all frivolities. Last time around in our column we spoke of how to ease the pains of your significant other’s bitching and complaining while making them feel loved and honored, how to regain the attention of your man or woman, and we answered the age-old question, “what do I buy them for their birthday to not get myself killed or laughed at?” Sancho’s back to give you more of that same brutal honesty.
Our first question comes to us via our website from “Myspace Freak” out of Florida:
Sancho, I met a guy at the beach and we hit it off instantly. The sex is great and we have been sleeping together all summer. But now, I have to return back to California para escuela. How do I tell him that I don’t actually live in Florida and how do I break it off without losing a friend or gaining a stalker?
First off, let’s just address the fact that you will for sure gain either an enemy or a lovesick stalker out of this. After all, you’ve been taking his “gift” of sorts all summer and now that you decide it’s over, it should end. Did you even discuss the booty call factor at first or did you just accept the free drinks, food and fun in the sack? Is he that much of a sucker that he didn’t see it coming? My advice for this one is to just bail back to L.A. and listen periodically to the crazy ass messages that you’re for sure going to get on your voice mail and act as if nothing happened, even though you know what you did last summer.
Our next one came to us from “Chevy Ridin’ High” of Houston, Texas:
Sancho, My man went away for the summer and came back with a rash on his ass. I asked what it was from and he said that one night the guys got drunk and poured glue down his pants while he slept. In the shower the next day he rubbed himself raw removing his underwear. Could this be true at all?
Mami, I have loads and loads of jokes that I could use here to explain what really happened, but let’s just say that it sounds like he likes franks and mustard more than tacos y Tapatio, ya dig? I would have to say your dating either a young boy or a really childish man. Regardless of what he is, get the hell away from him. It may not be a rash at all. It might be herpes or, worse, swamp ass. Run now before it rubs off on you.
On third base we find “El Padrino” (people, we really need to start thinking about what we call ourselves. Are you really “the godfather” asking me this next question?) :
Sancho, I have an ’87 Chevy Monte Carlo. It’s not an SS but I have SS logos on it. Am I frontin’ too hard or just adding a bit of class to my whip? And should I try and cruise it without working on the engine first? It has 24s on it.
I got two words for you, sell it! (Shout out to “Big J” from www.royalswagger.com for that quote of the day.)
Our last question is a serious one that many people may never have to ask, but all should know in the event that it takes place in your home. “Snitchin’ Boo” from L.A. wrote in:
Sancho, At a car show I met a girl whose man and I were crimeys back in the day. He caught life and I only came out with two years. Her and I have been seeing each other and I feel like I’m not doing no wrong dating the homie’s girl. He can’t see her no more and I can do her right. They got two kids together and I don’t trip off that. What do I do?
My answer to you, Boo, is that your name says enough. You’re a rat and you deserve whatever horrible acts you face. A true man would never do the things that you seem to be committing daily. Dry snitching will never will be cool. Dating the homie’s girl while he’s locked up is a crime unto itself. Don’t snitch, don’t lie and don’t do things now that you’re not comfortable with having to pay for later.
Thank you, Ladies and Gentleman, Homeboys and Homegirls, and all who enjoy our truthful commentary. Next month, we tackle more serious issues such as the people who get lonely come Holiday time and make retarded phone calls to their exes beggin’ for the backside or those who regift wack gifts
Until next time,